Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
