next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
