if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Randomize
