Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
