pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
