Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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