Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
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currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
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