i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
