I seem to have left my pride at pride
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
There r osticjed everywhere
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
