I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Randomize
