He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
