I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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