I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
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