she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
