this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
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Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
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I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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