You're completely useless in the revolution.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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