My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
