The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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