i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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