im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
