He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
