I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
