She is in my trunk
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
