Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
