If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
