No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
