Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
