I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
