i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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