The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I think your dad took our porno
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
