Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
