I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
