I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
