Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
