I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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