Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
