i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
