got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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