is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
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I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
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You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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