I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
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