***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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