watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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