I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
