I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
