3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
