I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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