Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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