an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Just pee around me
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
