explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Found your dick twin last night
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
