boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
