we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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