There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
4 words: hood of his car
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Randomize
