I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
