just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
