She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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