Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
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The air was thick with penises
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
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When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
soo... how was my night?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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