nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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