just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
