what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
